Everlasting Light
by chezchuckles
Summary: Kate and Castle with a newborn Dash at Christmas - *not* the Christmas with Martha . Dash Companion 4th in series  1. Dash Away 2. No Light, No Light 3. Only Light - COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**4. Everlasting Light**

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><p><strong>Note<strong>: a Dash Companion, best if read after 1. Dash Away 2. No Light, No Light and 3. Only Light

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><p>'Your everlasting light - A train going away from pain - Love is the coal that makes this train roll.'<p>

-Everlasting Light, The Black Keys

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><p>Kate hears him but it takes a moment for her sleep-deprived brain and body to start working together. And then she's stumbling out of bed in the dark, bumping the bassinet with her knee before she manages to figure out what she's doing.<p>

She reaches down for him, sliding her fingers under his head, her palm cradling his neck, and lifts him out of the cradle, so very grateful she vetoed Castle's ornate and Victorian-era thing in favor of the simple rocker. She'd have ripped the ruffles and frills from it weeks ago with all her stumbling around.

Adjusting the baby against her, Kate heads out of their bedroom for the study, and then the living room beyond, shushing him with her lips against the top of his head, bouncing the little thing as she walks.

Dashiell Alexander.

Still kind of knocks her breath from her body when she sees him. Tiny little thing, narrow little face and greying eyes and that thick, dark hair. Every day his eyes grow that much darker; it amazes her to watch. The pale skin over such small and delicate fingers. The way his mouth opens for her, his eyes locked on her face.

She knew months ago that she loved the unborn surprise, but she just didn't have any idea how much. How very much.

"Kate?"

She glances up and sees Alexis at the top of the stairs; Kate winces. "Sorry. Did he wake you again?"

Alexis shakes her head and comes downstairs. "I was already up."

Kate casts a swift look to the clock on the microwave. Nearly two. "Yeah?"

"College hours," Alexis grins, coming slowly closer. "You okay? You look exhausted."

Kate huffs. "Thanks."

Alexis gives a little half-shrug, reaches out a hand to stroke the back of Dashiell's head. "Hey, bubba."

Bubba? What the hell is that?

"Bubba?"

Alexis blushes. "Sorry."

Uh, okay. Kate shifts to keep her balance as she rocks, and it pulls the baby out of Alexis's reach - entirely accidental - but Alexis drops her hand and steps back, something shuttered in her eyes. Kate curses her lack of dexterity but doesn't know how to fix this. She knows that Alexis knows more about her and Castle's awkward relationship issues than the girl probably should, but she doesn't know how to fix that either.

"Dad sleeps through this?" Alexis says with an attempt at a smile.

"He was up with Dash all last night; I don't think he slept at all. So now, I'm sure your dad could sleep through a hurricane."

_Your dad._ And his dad too, little Dash's. Oh. How. . .strange.

"Hey, um, Kate?"

Kate bounces Dashiell some more, trying to calm his restless little cries. Not exactly full-throated screaming, but still whiny and pitiful. And those red welts are back on his face, places where he's managed to scratch his skin in the night. She's not sure how exactly; she's kept his nails trimmed and covered at night with socks, just like it says too. Castle has even changed detergents twice, in case it's an allergic reaction. But still-

"Kate?"

She blinks and glances over at Alexis, realizing the girl has called her name a few times. "What? Sorry, kinda - yeah, exhausted." She gives a little dry chuckle and presses her lips into the crown of the baby's head, careful of the soft spot.

"You know I've baby-sat a lot, like tons, right? And I read all those books Dad got, so I know not to give him water and how to keep his neck protected and-"

"Alexis. I don't exactly have the brain cells for a long introduction," Kate says on a sigh. She wishes she did. She just. . .it's an effort to stay standing, let alone follow the rambling Castle-like thoughts.

"Can I take him? And you go to bed? I'll come get you if he doesn't settle after awhile, but let me just-"

"Oh, God, Alexis, no. You don't have to do that. This is just. . .what happens. You shouldn't have-"

"No." Alexis bites her lip and steps forward, putting her hand up to Dashiell's back again.

Kate tries to be careful this time, not accidentally bounce or sway the kid away from her.

"Kate. I want to hold him. Can I hold him?"

Oh.

"He's my little brother, right? I haven't even gotten to hold him."

"Oh, shit," Kate sighs, closing her eyes. Really? It's been four weeks. In four weeks, Kate hasn't let Alexis hold him? "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Here, Alexis." She balances Dashiell against her shoulder for a second, then eases him down, nodding for Alexis to take him.

His sister. Oh, she hadn't even thought of it like that either. Damn, she's been so self-centered with this family, hasn't she? She didn't even realize what she was doing, too busy panicking about being pregnant, and now just - nothing left for anyone but Dashiell.

Alexis holds his head carefully, wraps her arm around him, cradles him to her body. Kate sighs through that strange and particular pang that comes with giving him up to someone else - anyone else, even Castle.

Oh my word, that's Dashiell's big sister. How did this escape her? Kate runs her hand through her hair and reaches out to touch Dashiell's cheek. He's still restless and making those almost-squawking noises, but he doesn't seem distressed to be in his sister's arms.

His sister. Shit, Kate has been a really terrible person. God, Castle's got to be so pissed at her for not even thinking. And now it's two in the morning and he's missing this too. "Hold on a second," she mutters and heads for kitchen.

She hunts through the stacks of folded diaper cloths on the bar until she finds her phone buried under a pile of used bibs. The screen is smeared with something she hopes is dried formula. Ug. Kate turns on the camera and realizes there won't be enough light, so she goes searching through the crap Castle piled in the entryway four weeks ago when they got home from the hospital.

She finds the digital camera in the pocket of his laptop case (has he not even been writing? the laptop's battery is probably dead now). Kate brings the camera over and pulls Alexis and the baby over to the chair by the windows; she clicks on a soft lamp and Dashiell whines.

"Just for a second, baby," she murmurs and steps back from the two of them. "Okay Alexis. Let me get your picture."

"Why?" Alexis blurts out. "You hold him and I'll take yours-"

"No, no. Dash and his sister. First time. Okay? Sit." Kate bites the inside of her cheek and frames the shot, her hands shaking as she holds the camera out. God, she's tired.

Alexis looks more stunned than smiling, but Kate takes the photo and looks at it on the screen. Beautiful. Just-

"Hey, take a look," she says, stepping closer to show it to Alexis.

The girl peers down at the camera and then lifts her face to Kate. "I love it. Will you send it to me when you upload all the photos?"

"Of course." Kate reaches over and turns off the lamp; Dashiell immediately ceases crying, settles down again. They've all gotten used to talking over his cries, carrying on with life over the sounds of his unhappiness. Colicky is what they keep telling her. Sounds like a great excuse for _he's just not an easy baby._ Of course not. That would be too easy.

Kate sits on the arm of the chair and watches Alexis and Dashiell, the girl brushing careful fingers over Dash's nose and cheeks, the little rosebud mouth. Those thick lashes against his skin as his eyes droop. The dark hair that has a tendency to curl at the back of his neck with sleep-sweat.

Dashiell's eyes open, blink as he takes in his sister's face.

His sister. They're siblings. Dashiell already has more than Kate ever did. An older sister to watch out for him, to want him. Wow. God, she needs more sleep. She's getting maudlin.

"Uh, Alexis. Are you serious about taking him for me?"

Alexis turns to her quickly, her face eager. "Yes. Yes, I would love to. Please?"

"Yeah, actually. I can pull his bassinet out here, or you can even put him in the crib in his room upstairs. Just make sure those things are in place to keep him up-"

"Yeah. I know. I can do that."

Kate runs a hand through her hair, holds it back for a moment to regard the two of them. She feels immensely guilty for both wanting to drop the kid off with Alexis and crawl in bed, and also for not having done it sooner, let Alexis hang out her with baby brother.

It's more than just her and Dash. She knew that the moment she'd woken up from nearly bleeding to death after delivering him and she'd seen Castle's face. She knew it was the three of them now.

Only it's not. It's four. Alexis, even though she's at college, is still part of Dashiell's family, regardless of what Kate does or feels or how she panics.

"Kate, trust me. I can do this." Alexis bites her lip and casts hopeful eyes to Kate.

Kate sinks down to the floor and leans her head back against the chair, closing her eyes. She could fall asleep like this.

"I know you can. It's not that. I'm just. . .trying not to take advantage of your offer to help." She opens her eyes again, sees Alexis peering down at her.

"Why? Take advantage. Use me, Kate. He's my brother. And that - doesn't that make us family?" Alexis frowns and hurries on. "I mean. It doesn't mean you have to - I just mean, he's my family. Regardless. And I love him."

Oh, God. Oh, she's just too strung out for this conversation. Kate doesn't have the energy to make things right, to explain in the words that mean something; she's going to blurt out the first thing that crosses her mind and it's going to be awful-

"Oh, shit. I've screwed something up. I love you too, Alexis, just - let me get more than two hours' sleep at a time and we'll talk about this again. Okay?"

She gets to her feet and checks on Dash again - fussy, pitiful, not her current problem anymore _thank you Alexis_ - and then happens to look up at Castle's daughter.

The girl is staring at her, stunned. What did she say? Was is that bad? Kate tries to replay the conversation, but can't grasp it. It's gone. Hopefully it wasn't too awful.

She leans down and drops a kiss on her son's forehead, then can't seem to shut off the mothering thing because she lifts her hand to Alexis and brushes a strand of hair back from her face. "I fed him about forty minutes ago. So he should be good for at least another hour and a half. Wake me if you need anything. Don't wake your dad. Night."

And Kate goes back to bed.

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><p>Castle wakes to sunlight across his face and silence. Which is wrong, so totally wrong. He lifts his head and sees Kate in bed next to him, deep asleep. Well, that's good. Finally. He raises up a little more but there's no baby.<p>

In fact, there's no bassinet either. So hopefully the two are together somewhere. And it's five in the morning according to the alarm clock. That can't be right. When did Kate last feed him?

He slides out of bed, wincing at the crack of his back and the pop in his knees. Castle stretches as he heads out of their bedroom and towards the living room and some strong black coffee.

He tried to be good, tried to truly partner with Kate in this, but she was the one who growled that at least one of them needed to be caffeinated and coherent, and she was out of the running. So now he gets to make a single pot each morning and suck it down somewhere away from her. At least, he tries not to do it front of her. Doesn't always happen. She doesn't seem too grumpy about it.

When he hits the living room though, he sees Alexis asleep on the couch and the bassinet pulled up to her side. A fist squeezes his heart and he detours to the couch, easing down at one end to lay his hand on her head.

Alexis doesn't stir. He leans forward and checks on Dashiell; the boy is sleeping peacefully enough. Huh. Not sure how this happened, but it's quiet and he got about eight hours of sleep last night - all in a row too.

Early Christmas miracle maybe.

Castle strokes his daughter's hair and takes a deep breath, trying to keep himself from drifting off. He has book stuff he ought to be doing, but he can't muster the energy quite yet. Kate's on maternity leave until January 5th; they just celebrated a truly awful Thanksgiving where they all ate standing up, he and Kate passing the colicky baby back and forth between them.

His mother moved into Kate's apartment last week too. He's not sure how good Kate is with that yet. It was her idea, sure, but it was just the most convenient thing and not really ideal, he can tell. And then her father came by and took Kate out for the day (Castle was so damn grateful to the man for it too). He had Dashiell alone for five hours and when Kate came back, she was much better. He has no clue what they talked about, but he has suspicions. He thinks it's about her mom. Or well, about her mom not being alive to see this, which kills him when he thinks about it too long.

Alexis stirs under his hand and then sits up, rubbing her eyes. She looks first over at Dashiell, then leans her head on her father's shoulder.

"Morning, pumpkin. What happened here?"

Alexis sighs, that happy sigh that makes him smile.

"I asked Kate if I could hold him. If I could help. She let me hold him, Dad."

Is this. . .a surprise? He's not exactly all the way awake. "Mm. Good."

"Kate took a picture too," she whispers, then leans forward and takes the camera off the coffee table, turns it on. Castle waits and then the image pops up; his heart dissolves.

"Ah, wow." He takes the camera and zooms in, looking at their faces. His oldest and his baby. Wow. Alexis isn't his baby any more. "Kate took this?"

"Yeah, she dragged me over to the chair. She even turned on the light," Alexis laughs. "And look, you can see Dash. He was still crying."

Castle grins, shaking his head. Still crying, yeah.

"It was the first time I got to hold him," Alexis says softly.

"It was?" He frowns at her, bewildered by that bit of information. But well, yeah, she's been at the dorm this semester and while she comes home every weekend. . .either he or Kate usually has the kid. "Sorry, pumpkin. I hadn't realized."

"No, it's okay. I understand. But Dad I - I told Kate that I wanted to help, and she acted like that was too much to ask from me, but I was offering. You know?"

"That's very sweet of you, Alexis."

"Well, I wanted to. It was. . .not exactly fun, but it was kind of amazing to hold him and watch him sleep. He hates to be put down-"

"Yeah," Castle says dryly, hugging her against his side. "We've noticed."

"So I just held him as long as I wanted. But Dad, when I told Kate that I wanted to take him, that she should go get some sleep. I. . .I told her it was because he's my little brother, right? And that I loved him-"

Castle yawns and leans his head back, still watching the baby sleep. "Uh-huh."

"Dad, Kate said - Kate said - well, but she was really probably sleep-deprived so I shouldn't-"

She's got his attention now; he glances down at her. What did Kate say to her? If Kate said anything to-

No, Kate wouldn't. Would she? Even punchy from lack of sleep and running without caffeine, Kate hasn't been mean. Not even to him, and goodness knows he's probably deserved it. "What did Kate say?"

Alexis sits up, away from him, her eyes anxious. "She said, 'I love you too.' But Dad, I didn't say it first to her. I. . .What am I supposed to do?"

"She said what?"

Alexis gives shaky laugh. "Yeah, that was exactly my reaction."

Kate said she loved his daughter. Suddenly he wants to go crawl in bed with Kate and kiss her mouth, soft and gentle, until she wakes.

"Did she mean it?" Alexis says quietly.

Castle casts a sharp look at his daughter. "Of course she meant it. This is Kate Beckett. She only says what she means."

Alexis bites her lip and nods; he can see her thinking that through. But what's to think about?

"Dad, it's been just us, for awhile-"

Oh. . .oh-kay. Um. He's not had coffee yet.

"And when you told me about Dash - or well, when you told me Kate was pregnant, honestly, I couldn't imagine how this would work. But I love it. It's so much better than it was, Dad."

He swallows hard, blinking to get past the ache in his throat. "Yeah?"

"Not that it hasn't been great, just us. Dad, it's been the best. You're the best," she reassures him, leaning in to lay against his chest, hugging him tightly. At least he's got his kids who want to snuggle with him. Even Dashiell snuggles. Just not Kate.

"Thanks, pumpkin. But I think I know what you mean."

"It's better with them both," Alexis says. "I have a little brother."

He grins down at her. "Yeah, sorry about the great age-gap there. Wasn't quite how I was imagining you getting a sibling, but-"

"Don't apologize for it. Because I am so glad it's Kate and not - ug - not Gina. Or mom. Meredith. Oh jeez, Dad. That would've been a travesty."

"Excellent diction, pumpkin. But not very nice to your mom."

"Hey, sometimes the truth hurts."

He snorts and Dashiell stirs at the sound; Castle mentally thumps his own ear (Kate's been thumping his ear instead of twisting it lately, not sure why).

"So, you're glad it's Kate, huh?"

"I like Kate."

"And she loves you, apparently." Castle grins down at her and Alexis blushes.

"I. . .I love her too. I mean. . .yeah, I do. I have for a long time. Since before you guys ever-" She waves a hand at Dashiell, and he wonders what that's supposed to mean. Since before they created a kid? Since before they started living together?

"Well good. Because you're kinda stuck with both of them," Castle admits. "I didn't exactly ask you about any of this, but-"

"Dad. Come on." She raises an eyebrow at him, and he realizes she's gotten that little trick from Kate. And that's. . .really cute. "Dad. You need to marry her. Why aren't you married yet?"

He sighs; Alexis doesn't know that she's touched on a sore spot, so he tries not to growl at her. It's Kate who-

"I've asked. A few dozen times. She keeps putting me off."

"She said no?" Alexis cries.

Castle presses his cheek to the top of her head. "Hey, chill out. I appreciate you taking up for me, but no. She hasn't said no either. She just. . .avoids the subject."

"Then keep asking her."

"I'm gonna give it a rest for awhile, Alexis. At least until Dashiell starts sleeping for longer than 45 minutes at a time."

"Can I see the ring?"

Uh. . . "I don't have a ring for Kate."

Alexis slaps his chest lightly. "Dad."

"Hey now. In my defense, Kate gave me express instructions not to ever - on pain of death - buy her a ring. She told me it would never happen."

"Well, that kind of sounds like a no."

"She was talking about the really expensive ones though. She caught me shopping online. She said they were gaudy and it would make her a target at work."

"Oh, I never thought about that. The criminals and stuff."

"I said that too. She said no, with Esposito and Ryan. But I think that was a joke. I think she meant the criminals."

Alexis giggles and looks up at him, then pushes the hair back from his face, kisses his cheek. "I love you, Dad. I know you'll figure it out."

He hopes so. "Love you too, pumpkin. And thanks for watching your brother."


	2. Chapter 2

**Everlasting Light**

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><p>Castle smiles at Kate when she comes out of the bedroom, freshly showered and looking a lot better than she has in weeks. In about six weeks, actually. Dashiell is asleep in his arms, finally, after another successful bottle feeding. The baby has gotten a lot better at this sleep stuff since they switched to formula.<p>

"Hey, it's my guys," she murmurs and leans over him to kiss Dashiell's forehead. The ring on it's chain slips out from under her shirt, but she makes a rather unconscious-looking move to tuck it back away-

But Castle grabs her wrist.

Kate startles, her eyes flying up to meet his. Castle lets go only to grab the ring, rubbing his thumb over the diamonds.

"Oh, Kate-" he says, his heart twisting.

She sits down heavily beside him, wraps her fingers around his. "What? Castle, what?"

"Have you been wearing that a lot?"

She flinches, glances down. "Well. Yeah."

Because of her mom. And now that he thinks about it, they started seeing those marks the day after she got back from that long lunch with her father sometime before Thanksgiving. Oh, Kate.

"It's the ring. Kate, it's the ring."

"What?"

Castle lets go and meets her eyes, some of her grief like ice in his heart. "It's the ring scratching his face, Kate, love-"

She blinks and glances down to her mother's ring, her fingers curled around it. She rubs a hand under an eye and he realizes she's got on make up for the first time in weeks. Did she do that for him? No need - she always looks beautiful, and his chest hurts as she clutches the ring.

He glances down to Dash, rubs a finger along the boy's cheek where one those red welts is beginning to fade. He had Dash all last night, and he was feeling rather proud about the lack of new scratches.

He sees movement out of the corner of his eye and glances up in time to catch lifting the memento over her head, her hair catching in the necklace and then coming away, the ring tight in her fingers.

"Kate-"

"It's fine. I should've realized," she says, shaking her head. She's got tears in her eyes, which stuns him. Throughout her whole pregnancy, she never let the hormones get the best of her. At least, not where he could see. She's spent so long tightly in control of her facial expressions and her body, so long disciplined to be stoic and reserved that not even pregnancy could sway her.

He knows she got upset about things and yelled at him - quite a lot - but it was relationship stuff - all their issues. But this is so much more visceral, seeing her struggle not to cry about her mother.

"Can you wear it on one of your fingers?" he suggests.

Kate shakes her head. "It's too small."

She drops the ring and necklace onto the coffee table as if that's it, then holds her hands out for Dash. He hands the boy over, watches her for a moment, then glances back to the abandoned ring. He leans over and picks it up, fingering it, then looks at her, the mother of his son. Beautiful and confident and somehow vulnerable in this moment.

Kate ignores him, leans her head over Dash and murmurs in the baby's ear as he stirs. Castle slides the ring in his pocket, and still she says nothing to him about it. He leans against the couch, his arm along the back, watching Kate with their son.

What does she say to him? He may never know - a magic between mother and baby, a bond of love. But Dashiell's eyes close again and he stops squirming, his mouth falling open as Kate whispers in his ear.

When he can't help it any longer, Castle scoots over on the couch and curls his arm around her shoulders, knowing it's a risk but also knowing that taking off her mother's ring is affecting her, no matter what she says.

Kate doesn't look at him, but she does lean back, her head tilted on his arm, her dark lashes highlighted by eyeliner and mascara and the faint blush high on her cheekbones. She looks amazing; she always looks amazing.

But she looks more fragile with the make-up on today than any day these last six weeks. If only she would let him-

"I'm fine, Castle," she murmurs, and moves her hand from around Dashiell to lay it on his thigh.

She's not. She's not fine.

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><p>Kate sits in front of the Christmas tree with Dashiell propped up on her knees, the boy's eyes wide open as he stares at the lights. The pink and blue and yellow cast pine-needle-shaped shadows against the wall; every lamp in the apartment is off to preserve the feeling. A few days ago, (entirely too late he told her), Castle decorated the loft while she and Dashiell watched. Her heart felt like the Grinch's, bursting its seams as her partner goofed off for his son.<p>

She likes this tree, loves the soft tree skirt with its fringe of white fluff, the family ornaments that give a sketch of their history together. Alexis and her father. And now Dash.

Castle comes to sit beside her, smiling, and his fingers wrap around her ankle. Any other day, that would irritate her, but today is special.

"Christmas Eve Eve," he says softly. "You doing okay?"

"I'm fine," she says, a little surprised by the question. "You want him?"

"No, you two look happy," he says softly. The tenderness on his face makes her hurt; she puts a hand on Dash's belly to hold him still, then reaches down to lace her fingers through his, dislodging him from her ankle.

"Come here," she says back, pulling on his hand.

He laughs. "Where?"

"Sit with me. Not across from me." She smiles at him, chewing on the inside of her cheek as he shifts around, side by side now. He's warm and large, his body comforting in a way it sometimes can be. Kate leans into his side, slowly lets her knees drop so that Dashiell is just lying in her lap.

Castle braces himself with a hand flat on the floor behind her back, her shoulder tucked under his arm. He reaches over and brushes his finger down Dashiell's nose. The boy grabs on, baby fingers fisting, little legs kicking. He moves a lot, squirms all the time; Kate has nearly dropped him more times than she likes to admit.

"So. What's this going to look like?" she says finally, rubbing her thumb over Dashiell's bare foot. Castle is keeping the apartment rather warm; she thinks it's because getting up at night with the boy is just miserable when it's even a little bit chilly.

"Christmas, you mean?"

"Yeah. What do you and Alexis usually do?" she says, realizing with a pang that she's never thought to ask before. Now that she's getting a minimal amount of sleep these days, all kinds of things are occuring to her.

"What do you usually do, Kate?"

"Meet my dad for breakfast the next day. Nothing much. But this is your family-"

"It's yours too," he interrupts with a sigh. "You know that, right? It's your family too."

She swallows and looks down at her son - their son - and the way he gnaws on Castle's finger. Castle. He's just so good. Such a good daddy, and so good to her even when she hasn't been very deserving of it. She hasn't even figured out what the hell she's giving him for Christmas. And it's not like she can get out and do last minute shopping.

She's so screwed.

Kate closes her eyes and presses her forehead into his shoulder with a sigh. She owes him a lot. She can't think of a thing to do to even begin paying him back.

"Kate? Tell me you know. Tell me you think of this as our family, together. Tell me-" His voice breaks and she curses herself for her wandering, post-pregnancy-hormonal mind, reaches a hand up to his cheek, brushing her thumb over his mouth.

"I do. I do; I'm sorry. I can't manage to pay attention long enough to have an intelligent conversation, Castle." She huffs on a laugh and lifts her head to look at him, hoping the humor does what she can't seem to figure out how to do - reassure him, soothe him.

He sighs and leans in to kiss her mouth softly. It feels good. It's always good like this between them. That's how they got here, right? But it does things now to her, his kiss, warm and rich and faint coffee.

"Shoulda thought of this sooner," she murmurs against his mouth.

"What?"

"You taste like coffee. If I'd been a little less sleep deprived, I might've thought of that. Wake me up with coffee kisses, Castle."

He laughs back and kisses her again, a little harder, and it sparks in her belly, a rush of flame that makes her fingers curl around his ear. Castle breaks away from her entirely too soon, strokes her cheek with his fingers.

"You've got only days to go, Kate. Then you can have all the coffee you like."

"I can't wait," she sighs. She knows she sounds so desperate, but she doesn't care. She is desperate; they've been weaning Dash off the breastmilk for the last few weeks because of his colic, and she's going back to work at the beginning of January. And damn, she wants coffee. "I have vivid, sexual dreams about caffeine. It's rather obscene."

Castle laughs harder, momentarily falling away from her, his eyes twinkling like the Christmas lights. "Am I in these dreams?"

She grins back. "You bring me coffee. And then it's just me and the caffeine."

"Darn." His laughter makes the lights on the tree brighter, the room more open.

She does love him. She does. He must know that. Has she said it recently?

"Castle."

"Yeah," he says, still chuckling, coming back to lean against her shoulder, nudging her. Dashiell is watching them with dark, attentive eyes. His little feet kick out, disloding her hand on his toes.

"Castle, I love you." She bites her lip and watches him, looking for certainty in him.

She's not disappointed. He nods and leans in to kiss her lips, light and delicate. "I know, love."

She lets them breathe in that moment of certainty, then she narrows her eyes at him, pushing him back a little. "That's twice in the last ten minutes. Don't think you can get away with that just because I'm happy."

His eyes light up at that, but he quickly regains his focus. "I'm trying it out," he says, back to laughing at her. "Next is babe."

"Don't even."

"You don't like babe?"

"I don't like nicknames. Keep it Kate. Or Beckett. Either of those are fine."

"But you're happy?" he says, and she sees now that *this* is where his uncertainty lies.

Kate looks down to the baby in her lap, his head turned now towards the tree and his little fists waving in the air like he wants to catch a tree-light firefly. So alert and awake - too often awake, though better now that he's on formula - and the dark hair that smooths over his skull and curls some on the ends. What she almost gave up.

She looks back up at Castle, this man who gave it to her in the first place, and she can't even smile at him, can't even speak, all of it caught in her throat with the Christmas tree behind him. She was stupid and afraid and how could she have ever known what this feels like? To love so much. To want nothing more than this man, father and writer and her whole heart. This man and their son.

She hears the choked noise that works out between her lips and then buries her face in his neck, hugging him with one arm as tightly as she can, her other hand keeping Dash still on her lap, knowing it's not nearly enough but unable to speak. Happy doesn't even begin to cover it.

Castle sighs softly and hugs her back, his lips at her temple. "I love you, too, Kate. So much. Thank you for this, for all of this."

What in the world is he thanking *her* for?

* * *

><p>Castle carries Dashiell with one hand and sets out the last of the food on the table. He told his mother he was determined to make Christmas Eve dinner better than Thanksgiving, and surprisingly, Kate seemed equally fervent about it.<p>

She made half the food spread out on the kitchen counter and the dining room table. She's good at it too. That surprised him, but he knows it shouldn't have (she's told him before her mother was a good cook). Kate just left the presentation up to him while she went to go get changed. It's been so long since Castle has been in dress clothes that he abandoned the tie and now just wears an eggplant dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and his charcoal slacks. (The suit jacket is still in the closet).

He grins to himself as he grabs the mashed potatoes. Kate picked out his shirt. Sort of. He was debating between a couple and she was in and out of the bedroom, smirking at him for being _such a girl, Castle. _He had on the deep purple one when she came back with a mewling Dash in her arms; she stopped and stared at him for a second and then wandered back out.

She came back in the room only a minute later to grab Dashiell's pacifier from the bassinet, and he knew - knew - that she'd seen him and lost her train of thought. Which totally made his day.

Dash flops his head against his father's chest, and Castle quickly shifts him back to the football carry. The boy fusses at him, unhappy with this position, but the baby is just too active to be allowed to squirm around on Castle's shoulder. He'll arch his back and flip right out of Castle's arms. Nearly happened to Kate the other day.

A knock at the door causes Dash to begin crying for real, already upset about being cradled instead of against his father's shoulder, but Castle is getting rather adept at ignoring his frustrated cries.

He puts the greenbean casserole on the table and heads for the door. "Kate!"

"Coming," she shouts back, and he already can hear her heels on the hardwood as she heads back into the living room.

"Alexis!"

"Yeah, yeah-"

He turns his head and she's already at the top of the stairs, coming down in a navy dress, grinning at him. "Hey pumpkin. You look great."

Castle reaches the door and opens it; it's his mother (who still has a key but apparently won't use it). "Mother-"

"That kid had some lungs, doesn't he?" His mother wriggles her fingers at Dashiell and the stimulation of having glittering rings in his face is enough to shock the boy into silence. "Haven't lost my touch."

Castle hands his son over to his mother, who is more than happy to coo over him. "Hello there, my little _enfant terrrible_." Alexis joins them at the bottom of the stairs just as Kate comes into the living room.

Castle stares at her for a long second, hungrily soaking her in. "Gorgeous, you are just. . ."

Kate gives him that grateful smile he's seen so much of lately; he steps over to her and intercepts her before she can get to his family, his hands sliding around her waist.

"Castle-"

"You're beautiful, Kate," he breathes between them, and then he presses a soft kiss to her mouth, a promise of more.

He has plans for her. This beautiful, amazing woman looking regal and svelte in her black dress and heels only eight weeks after having his son.

Dashiell squawks from Martha's arms and Kate laughs, but she's still hanging on to him as she moves her mouth away from his, hanging on like she feels it too.

* * *

><p>Kate finds Alexis sometime after dinner but before they've managed to serve dessert. Martha let go of Dashiell only when Jim demanded his fair share of the grandkid, but she grabbed him back pretty quick and now cuddles him on the couch. Castle and her father are in his study talking about the ship in a bottle that Castle built (she keeps explaining that her father has taken up carpentry and is building a real boat, not a toy model, but he ignores her). And so Kate grabs his daughter by the elbow and steers her towards the kitchen.<p>

Martha looks to be playing a wickedly long game of peekaboo with a baby that *never* tires of it, so Kate knows she's got some time.

"Alexis," she starts, and then doesn't know what to say. The girl has been like a third pair of parenting hands while she's been here for Christmas break. Not to mention she's spent every weekend here as well. "I just - thank you so much for everything."

Alexis blushes. "I love helping out with him. He's got such personality, even so little."

"He's got that, yeah." Kate steps out of her shoes, flexing her toes and pressing against the floor to pop the joints. It's been awhile since she's worn heels this high. Takes some getting used to again. "But, Alexis, please don't feel like you have to, okay? You're still our - you're still a kid; you shouldn't be forced into-"

"I'm not a kid," Alexis says hotly, stepping back, turning her head.

Kate stops, stunned, and presses her lips together. "I. . .meant it differently than that," she admits finally. Best to just say it how it almost came out, rather than have Alexis think that Kate is dismissing her.

Jeez, this makes her uncomfortable.

"Alexis."

The girl glances up, face composed now, mouth open as if she's going to wave it all off, go back to being the perfect daughter. But Kate has been given a little glimpse past that, and she wants more of it, more of the real Alexis.

"What I wanted to say, but didn't say because I wasn't sure you'd be okay with me claiming you. . ." Kate gives a little laugh and trails off, glancing back to the living room, but there's no help for her from that direction. "I was going to say that you're still *our* kid. The oldest, but-"

Kate shrugs, unable to meet the girl's eyes. This was a really stupid idea. She vaguely remembers a night a few weeks back when they half-had a conversation like this, but she has no idea what she said or if it was worthwhile. She just knows she made a promise to herself to do it better later.

This is later. But it's not much better.

"Look, I know you and your Dad have your own thing, and I'm not trying to-"

Kate's word are cut off by the sudden explosion of an embrace from Alexis, the girl's arms so tight around Kate's ribs that it knocks the breath from her.

As a reflex, her arms come up around Alexis's back; she touches a hand to the beautiful hair.

"Uhh, you okay?" Kate says after a moment, stunned.

"You want me," Alexis breathes.

"What?" Kate takes her by the shoulders and pulls her back, feeling a fist in her guts at the insecurity she heard in Alexis's voice. "What does that mean? You're. . _.Alexis_. Have I said something that makes you think-"

"No!" Alexis says with wide eyes. "No, I'm sorry. Not at all. You've been. . .yourself."

Kate winces. "Ah, that's kind of damning-"

"No. No, I mean, it's a relief to know that you're so comfortable around us. Well, around me. That you just take it for granted that I'm here and always going to be the third wheel and-"

"You're so not a third wheel. Besides, the third wheel adds stability, it's the fifth wheel that's superfluous-"

Alexis claps a hand over her mouth and laughs. "You sound just like my dad."

Oh. She. . .does? Castle is rubbing off on her.

"Alexis. Seriously. You have been a life saver. I don't think I would've made it if it was just me and Castle trying not to rip each other's throats out." She chuckles darkly then winces again at the surprised look on Alexis's face. "Okay, too much information?"

Alexis laughs. "Yeah, but thank you."

She hugs Alexis again, trying to instill some confidence back in the girl. "Don't thank me. What is with you Castles? Thanking me for being selfish?"

"Selfish?"

Kate lets Alexis go and leans back against the counter, knocking her shoes to one side so she doesn't trip on them. "Look at all I get. I just. . .show up and be my usual closed-off self, and you guys take it, and you're still so. . .wonderful to me."

Alexis's face twists with anxiety; she steps closer and hugs Kate again. Kate is going to have to get used to this. Both of them are just so much more touchy-feely than her family ever has been. But she hugs the girl back.

"Kate. I love you."

"Thanks. I love you too."

She hears Alexis laugh and wonders what that's about, but the girl is pulling back and shaking her head. "You just. . .thanks. I needed to hear that."

Kate bites her bottom lip and regards the young woman. "Is there. . .anyway you could maybe clue me in on that kind of thing? I'm going to try to be better about all this, but I'm still not any good at saying things. Not any good at being a family either."

"Clue you in on. . .when I need something from you?"

Kate sighs in relief, gives Alexis a smile. "Yeah. Dash cries and lets me know he needs something. So that's already taken, okay?"

Alexis laughs again, a freer sound; it eases that tight place in Kate's chest.

"Okay, got it. I'll just. . .talk to you. How about that?"

"Words are good. I promise to listen, and do my best to find some of my own. Sound like a plan?"

Alexis laughs again and tilts her head, just like Castle does when he's trying to figure something out. "You like plans. You like everything to fall in line."

Kate raises an eyebrow. "Yes? Is this new information?"

"Not really. I just never thought about it in terms of. . .relationships."

"Ah. Well. Yes, that too. I like to know what happens next."

Alexis gives her a soft, happy smile - something entirely too tender and knowing for this conversation. "I think you'll end up loving what happens next, Kate. Even if. . .well, just know that we love you too."

Secrets. Alexis has a secret; she knows something. Strange. Kate narrows her eyes and contemplates the best form of interrogation, but Alexis escapes from the kitchen to join her grandmother on the couch.

Huh. Interesting.

* * *

><p>The bassinet is in the study - Kate's insistence. She says she can't do this with him sleeping right next to their bed. Fine, whatever. Castle squeezes the bag of formula in the bottle to make sure Dash isn't getting any air, then sits down in his writing chair with his son.<p>

Writing. Well, he's done very little of the book. He does keep writing silly stuff down in notebooks or scraps of paper. Kate found his laptop still by the door a few weeks back and plugged it in, trying to recharge the battery, but it was totally dead. She's right though; he's got to get back to the book, establish a discipline with his writing since he's the one who will be staying at home with Dash.

Kate comes back into his study from their room, silent on bare feet, still in her dress but all her jewelry taken off.

"You need anything?" she murmurs, and leans over to kiss Dashiell's head while he feeds from the bottle. Castle can see straight down her dress, so very lovely, and when Kate lifts, he knows she did that partly on purpose.

"I'm good for now. And stop getting so close. He smells you. And then all he wants is you."

Kate laughs darkly and runs her fingers through the hair at his temple. "Hm, you sure you're not just projecting?"

He closes his eyes and tilts his head back. "Kate Beckett. Don't say that kind of thing when I'm holding my son and can do absolutely nothing about it."

"You kidding? That's the best time for it." She snags the back of his neck and lifts his head into her receptive mouth; Castle's eyes startle open and then slam shut again. Her dirty wicked tongue-

"Finish feeding your son, then come find me," she says throatily. "I'm done waiting."

Oh, hell yeah. So is he.

Kate saunters back to their bedroom and Castle shifts in his seat, pulling Dashiell closer to his chest, balancing his forearm on the boy's belly as he holds the bottle. Dash isn't yet able to grip the bottle but he does keep trying, and lately he's started smiling up at them if they smile first.

Dash will hold his head up if he's on his tummy, but not for long. And his head wobbles on his little unstable neck when he's up against Castle's chest, but his father can tell he's getting stronger since they started weaning him. This was the last day of feeding him breastmilk; it's all formula from here on out.

"Cutting you off, little man," he whispers, watching his son suck down the last of it.

Dashiell's eyelids are closing even though he fights it; Castle can smell formula and baby skin, the warm scent of his son and detergent and a clean diaper. Before the bottle is even gone, the nipple falls out of his little mouth; he's gone.

Castle grins and sets the bottle on his desk; he'll wash it out later. He gets to his feet and heads for the bassinet, still watching his son sigh in his sleep. He carefully lays him down, making sure he's positioned right, that the blanket swaddles him tightly.

Brushing a finger down the boy's forehead, his nose, Castle takes a moment to let everything run through him all over again - the intensity of his love for his son, the way it makes his heart full, and then how he wants to go find Kate and just. . .worship at her feet.

Kate. The tenderness gives way to need that quickly.

Castle leaves the study and heads for their bedroom, unbuttoning his cuffs as he does, unbuckling his belt, sliding it out of his pants.

Kate appears magically in front of him, stilling his hands. She's in black, but not that dress-

"Where did *this* come from?"

"Would it be entirely too cliche of me to say it's time for your Christmas present, Rick Castle?"

He swallows hard, taking in the expanse of moonlight-silvered skin and rich curves wrapped in black lace. "I don't even care," he says throatily, not sure what she said, but something about cliches. And Christmas.

"Then go for it. I know you like to just rip the paper right off-"

He chokes on his own laugh and crushes his mouth to hers, wrapping his arms around her, dragging her against his chest.

She laughs back, entirely too pleased with herself, but he doesn't even have the self-control to make her pay for that. Her fingers are at his pants already, her mouth deadly and hot, her tongue coiling around his. He gets his hands in the tight space between them and caresses the edge of the lace, feeling her skin flutter.

"Anything I need to avoid?" he murmurs.

"I'll let you know if I can't handle it," she says back. "But until then. Don't stop."

He squeezes her breast and she cries out, the last of the sound a breathless laugh. "Oh shit, I'm not gonna survive this," she mutters and slides her hands down.

His hips rock against her touch. "Good."

It's only fair.


	3. Chapter 3

**Everlasting Light**

* * *

><p>She smells coffee. That's what wakes her up. Kate takes a few deep breaths, rolls over to get away from the sunlight, sighs.<p>

"Kate."

Ug, no Castle.

"Hey, babe?"

She just wants to fall back asleep. It's warm in bed, and she knows it's freezing cold outside, and for some reason her son is not wailing right now and so Castle needs to get the hell-

"Coffee."

Coffee.

She opens her eyes, sees Castle crouching beside the bed, grinning at her like a fool. He's got a mug in one hand, her mug the bastard; the scent wafts over to her on that delicious steam-

"You're cruel," she murmurs, closing her eyes again.

He laughs, and she feels his warm mouth at her ear, a bite to her skin. "Today is Christmas Day, Kate. And today-"

"Coffee," she breathes, opening her eyes and reaching for the mug all in one movement.

Castle releases it into her grip and she moans, bringing it straight to her mouth even as she struggles to sit up. Even after a long time away, she's too practiced to even spill a drop, and it pours hot and rich and decadent down her throat and directly to her veins.

"God, I love you," she moans, feathering open her eyes to see Castle's dumbstruck look. "Oh, you too, Castle."

He laughs and raises up to his knees to kiss her, sharing the taste of coffee; he's had his for the morning as well.

She doesn't let go of her mug though, releases his lips only when he pulls away. "Merry Christmas."

Castle tries a smile but it trembles on his mouth, falls; he glances down and she frowns at him.

Baby's asleep, she's got coffee for the first time in ages, it's Christmas, so what could possibly be causing this?

"Kate," He pulls out a wrapped present from somewhere under the bed, places it on the sheets in front of her knees.

She smiles at him. "What's this?"

"Christmas day. Open it."

"You already got me a present," she says with a grin and sips at her coffee again.

Castle shakes his head, but she can see the waiting is torturous for him so she puts her coffee on the bedside table and goes for the box. It's taped up pretty good, so has to peel at it slowly, casting surreptitious glances at him from under her lashes. He's squirming like a little kid.

When the paper is all gone, she realizes it looks like a jeweler's necklace box. Her hands still over it, and she glances up at Castle. She can't. . .this is too much. A necklace? Maybe it's simple. (Right. Simple, from Castle?)

He takes it from her and leans in for a quick kiss that leaves entirely too many questions.

"I love you, Kate. This is - this is amazing, you and Dashiell and all of us being here together. I could do this forever, nothing else. Except maybe write about how amazing it is."

She smiles softly at that. She knows he's been hunched over his notebooks when she's come out in the mornings to feed Dash; she's glad he's writing again even if he's cramped by not having his laptop.

"I don't even write Nikki Heat - all that comes out is poetry. Stupid, free verse poems about how you look when you hold Dash, about how it feels to have the bed warm with your body next to mine. I write about how Dashiell's eyes have changed color, how you sat between my legs in bed the first night we were home - both of us watching him sleep."

Kate swallows past the lump in her throat, reaches out to brush the moisture trembling on his lashes. Beautiful man.

"It's all I want to write. For the rest of my life. I know I'll get back to Nikki Heat, to whatever else is out there, but these are the stories I was meant to tell, Kate."

She can't help leaning in to kiss him, framing his face with her hands, resting her forehead against his. His words always get to her, always touch that tender place that's usually so well-hidden. Whatever he wants to give her, whatever ornate piece of jewelry - it's fine. Because his words are so much more. . .costly and beautiful.

He brushes a thumb down the line of her neck, pulls back a little. "I asked your dad awhile ago if - well, I explained everything that happened and got his permission for this, and then last night I did the whole official thing-"

"Castle. What are you talking about?" she laughs.

He opens the box; it flips back on the hinge to display her mother's ring.

Her forehead wrinkles; she's been looking all over for this. She even asked him about it. "Wha-"

"I had a studio resize it. For your finger."

Oh. Oh, how thoughtful. Sweet of him - even if she *had* thought she lost it. Like that time he found her father's watch, and didn't tell her, and then had it fixed.

"Kate."

She glances up; he's so very serious.

"Kate Beckett."

Oh God-

"Please marry me."

Oh God.

* * *

><p><em>This time just say yes.<em>

She stares at the ring, her mother's ring; he asked her father; he took her mother's-

Castle pulls the ring from the velvet and takes her left hand, his thumb separating her fingers, preparing her for it.

Oh God.

He holds the ring in place just shy of her finger, waiting, and she can't even look away, can't speak. He has all those beautiful words and she's got nothing but the frenzied beat of her heart, and he-

slides it down her finger. It fits. Perfectly.

_This is where it belongs._

"Kate?" he whispers.

She hasn't answered him. She can't-

She lifts her eyes from the ring on her finger to the man kneeling by their bed, the vision swimming before her, rippling and shimmering-

"Why are you crying?" he whispers.

She leans out into him and buries her face in his shoulder, arms around his neck and clinging tightly for all the things that won't come out, hearing her own little sob as she tries to speak. The whirlpool of her life - the rush forward into this, carrying her along, and now this is the moment, the time to ruin everything or accept the vision laid out before her-

"Kate." His arms come slowly around her, squeezing but hesitant. He's so strong around her, his body so warm, his mouth at her ear, and he's given her - all this - and she _wants_, she wants, has all these desires drowning her, but first-

"Rick," she gasps and feels him shudder as her mouth finds his. She takes that too, hungry and needful, all tongue and teeth and choked up words.

Why now? Why when he asked her a hundred times during the pregnancy, a thousand times at the hospital? Why now? What is this in her that rejoices?

He breaks away from the kiss, groans against her cheek. "The enthusiasm is hopeful, but Kate, love, you have to give me an answ-"

"Yes, yes, God, yes."

_Yes._

* * *

><p>Sitting in the floor and leaning against the couch, Castle watches Kate come back into the living room with another mug of coffee. He lifts his eyebrows as she moves to sit up on the couch behind him.<p>

"How many's that?"

"Hush your mouth," she mutters, flicking his ear with a finger.

He feels her knees against his shoulders as she draws up her legs under her, and he twists around put his arm along her calf, encircling her foot with his fingers.

"Four? Five?"

"Five." She stares him down, but one hand comes free of the mug to brush through his hair, and then her mouth descends to press a kiss to his temple, where she hovers for a moment. "Someone got me knocked up and without sufficient caffeine for the last nine months."

"Of course. This is all my fault."

"I'm going to give you all the credit for it, Castle. Feed your ego a little."

"It somehow doesn't have the usual effect," he murmurs, but he knows he's staring into her eyes like a lovesick teenager.

"Finish opening your presents. Before Dashiell cries, and Alexis gives him back," she says, pushing on his forehead.

He turns to look at his daughter sitting in the chair by the window, Dash turned to face the room so he can watch - though he's probably just seeing blurs of color and twinkling lights. Dash kicks his legs out and squirms so much that Alexis has her hands full keeping him in place, but she's chatting to Dash like the kid knows exactly what she's saying. And sometimes it looks like he really does.

Castle has a few more gifts left next to him, and Kate has one on the couch (from Dash, in theory, though she shot him a withering look when she read the tag). She was the one who said it was ridiculous to get Dashiell stuff for Christmas when he's only eight weeks old. Castle couldn't help picking out a few things though.

He pulls the top one from the stack (from Kate) and rips the paper off, hearing Kate laugh seductively in his ear. No doubt thinking about last night. He turns to give her a quick grin and sees her face right next to his cheek. She's leaning over to watch, her left hand on his shoulder.

Castle kisses her quickly, dropping a hand over hers and squeezing (the ring feels strange but so right on her finger under his palm), then he goes back to the gift. He opens the shirt box, not sure exactly what to expect - another deep purple shirt? - but nestled in the tissue paper is a framed triptych - three photographs.

Alexis and Dashiell in that same chair - Alexis's first time to hold her brother. Next is the one he took of Kate at the hospital, the too-pale skin and her hair pulled back messily on her head, cradling Dash. And finally - he can't remember this one being taken - the three of them on their bed, Dash in his father's lap, Kate leaning her cheek against Castle's shoulder and watching their son.

Castle takes in a long breath, cradling the frame in his hands, stunned by it.

Kate brushes her mouth against his cheek. "To put on your desk. For inspiration."

Oh God. He lifts his hand and tangles his fingers in the hair at the back of her neck, so in love with her. With Kate, oh Kate.

Castle turns his head and finds her mouth, a long draught of joy and heat, her fingers feathering along his neck. She breaks away from him, breathing hard against his lips.

"And along with that. Tomorrow we're having a family outing. Gonna get you a new laptop, Castle. All four of us." She lifts her head and Castle turns to look at his kids, Alexis and Dashiell. His daughter is grinning like crazy.

Kate's fingers are still curled around his neck, like she doesn't remember they're there. "That okay with you, Alexis?"

"Perfect."

Castle grins back at his daughter, at the baby boy still impossibly awake. Martha will come by later today (after sleeping off whatever she got up to last night when she left their Christmas Eve dinner). Jim planned on stopping by sometime this evening as well. Castle has his family all together for Christmas, and Kate at his back like she's always supposed to have been there.

Always.

_She said yes._


End file.
